My Silly Stepmother Name Game

For a long time my stepdaughter called me Mommy as much as she called me by my name. Oddly, when she wasn’t calling me mommy, she called me her mother’s name. She was only two; my guess was that maybe she thought it was another name for a mother-figure.

I’d read that you shouldn’t ask your stepchild to call you mom, so we ended up having her call me by a name that rhymes with her BM’s name instead: Shelly. I never told her not to call me Mom, though. In the beginning it was for selfish reasons—I melted every time she looked up at me with her little brown puppy eyes and called me Mommy. Later, after changing her poopy diapers, holding her hand while she toddled, kissing her boo-boos, helping her learn to use the Big Potty, and having her tell me “I love you,” I felt like I’d earned it.

When she turned four, though, a guilty look started crossing her face whenever she called me Mommy, and then she would quickly blurt out, "sorry, I mean Shelly." Then one night, just after we walked in the door, she said "Mom-" and then shut her mouth and looked scared. Quickly she peered up at me and said, earnestly and quietly, "You're called Mommy but you're called Shelly." My heart broke a little. Did her real mother hear her refer to me as Mommy and tell her not to call me that? I wouldn't be surprised, and I guess she'd be within her rights. Still.

That left me being called Shelly almost 100% of the time. I’d hated it from the start; it always sounded like nails on chalkboard to me. (No offence to any Shelly’s out there; it just seemed so weird to have her call me a name I didn’t think of myself as.) As time went on it frustrated me more and more.

I finally realized last week just how ridiculous this whole name game has been. Looking back, I wish I’d told her that she could call me Mommy in our house if she wanted to. Or, that I’d come up with some other mommy-like name, or just stuck with trying to get her to call me by my real name.

I decided Sunday to start trying to have her call me Meesha. I even marshaled up the courage to explain the situation to her BM.

Unfortunately it’s not going very well. My stepdaughter got very angry at me for asking her to call me something different than what she’s used to, and she’s only remembered my real name a couple of times so far. My plan is to just stick with it. I’d rather she called by my real name and be irritated with me for a while than have her continue to call me Shelly and me be irritated at her for the rest of my life.

Has anything like this happened to you? I know a lot of stepmothers struggle with what their stepchildren call them, but so far I haven’t heard of anyone else with quite the same problem. What do you think?

How to Discipline Without Looking Like an Evil Stepmother

I’ve talked before about why I believe that stepmothers should feel free to discipline their stepchildren. The million-dollar question is, though, how do you do it without coming across like an evil stepmother? Here are some of my suggestions:

1. Strive for a “balanced” parenting style, as opposed to permissive or authoritarian one. While a lot of stepmothers struggle with being too wishy-washy, you don’t want to go overboard in the opposite direction and become authoritarian. Refrain from punitive consequences. Family therapist Dr. Robert MacKenzie has said that, “instead of teaching responsibility, punitive consequences inspire anger, resentment, and retaliation” (167*). Instead, try to extend consequences that are logically related to the behavior but don’t go over the top. So rather than grounding your stepkid for a week if he keeps leaving his bicycle out in the driveway, just take the bike away for a day. A day (in this instance) is long enough to show your stepchild that you mean what you say, but not so long that he has a long time to build up a lot of resentment.

2. Discipline calmly. Speak in a normal voice and avoid sounding angry or irritated. If you yell and get worked up then your stepchild is more likely to associate you with the angry stepmother stereotype. Besides that, according to Dr. MacKenzie, “anger, drama, and strong emotion can easily sabotage the clarity of your message and the likelihood of cooperation” (132*). You may have to give yourself a grown-up time out before you can do this effectively. (I certainly know I've had to.) Try taking 60 seconds in another room and breathe deeply if this is what it takes to speak calmly.

4. Apologize if you yell. If you do end up yelling or snapping at your stepchild, apologize for loosing your temper and tell them it was unacceptable of you to speak to them that way. Besides being the decent thing to do, this shows your stepchild that you respect and value them. You don't need to worry that saying you're sorry will ruin your credibility. Dr. MacKenzie says that, “some parents believe that apologizing to a child is a sign of weakness that diminishes the child’s respect for the adult. My years of family counseling have shown that just the opposite is true. To children, an apology is not a sign of weakness. . . .Children respect adults who have the courage to be human and take responsibility for their own mistakes” (159*).

4. Focus on the behavior, not the child. You don’t want to make your stepchild feel rejected, you just want her to know that a specific behavior is unacceptable. Do not say “how would you feel if someone did that to you?”; say, “stop poking your brother.” Don’t say “please be more considerate” if your stepchild is yelling; say, “please use an indoor voice” (134*).

5. Talk about actions or behaviors in neutral terms when correcting your stepkids. Now, I started out thinking about this in a different way. I thought, "hey I should just be able to say 'this is the way we do things in my house.'" And while I still believe you should be able to say that if it comes down to it, I think a more neutral approach is best to start. Meaning, rather than telling your stepchildren, "I believe that kids should use good table manners," try something like, "good table manners help us all enjoy our time at the table together." I think this way you get less resistance to doing things "your way."

6. Give them a clean slate. Don’t bring up past mistakes or rehash a problem after it’s over. I have to resist this sometimes when I'm worried that my stepdaughter might repeat a past mistake. ("Remember when you did X thing and then Y thing happened?") You want your stepkids to feel relaxed and comfortable around you without having to worry that you’re going to be picking on them; you don’t want to give them any reasons to harbor anxiety or resentment for you.

7. Listen, understand your stepchild, and don’t disregard their feelings even if you disagree. Licensed psychologist and family therapist Dr. Jeffery Bernstein has said that, “tragically, children who are well loved by their parents do not feel that love if their parents don’t understand them . . . Understanding your child is an important part of helping him become secure and healthy because it shows him you love him” (21-22**). So listen, really listen, without interrupting and try and understand why your stepchild feels the way they do. When your stepchild tells you about something that you disagree with, don’t criticize them and don’t tell them they shouldn’t feel the way they feel. For example, if your stepchild tells you that he hit his brother because he was mad about his brother insulting him, don’t respond to him with “you shouldn’t bother getting upset over things like that.” Instead, let him know that you heard and understood his feelings, but that the behavior he used to express them is unacceptable. Try: “You brother called you a doo-doo head and it hurt your feelings? I understand why you’re mad, but it’s not okay to hit. Next time…” This way, your stepchild feels like you understand him, and that you’re not rejecting him—just the behavior.

8. If your stepchild argues with you, try to hold your ground respectfully. While you don't want to cave into an argument, you don't want to look like you're not listening to your stepchildren, either. Try this suggestion by Dr. Bernstein; he says if your child pushes you, just keep calmly repeating, “I understand; however . . .” (95**). I should add, though, that you don't want to give your stepchildren the idea that it's okay to argue with you--but that's a longer discussion for a separate post.

9. Invite your stepchildren to respectfully suggest a mutually-agreeable solution to an issue. There are a couple of ways to go about this. My first example comes from Dr. Ross W. Green, Associate Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School. Dr. Greene advocates a discipline plan which includes these three steps: 1) Empathy Plus Reassurance, 2) Define the Problem, and 3) Invitation (98***). In step one of this plan a parent validates her child’s feelings by repeating what a child's concern and by reassuring the child. Then in the second step the parent expresses his or her concerns. Finally, in the third step the parent invites the child to brainstorm a solution that would both accommodate what the child wants and satisfy the parent’s concerns.

Similarly, Dr. Bernstein tells parents, “don’t be afraid to teach your child to say ‘no’ to you in a respectful way. Your child has a right to opinions and choices that are different from yours” (95**). Bernstein goes on to suggest, “Teach your child to say respectfully, ‘No, I would not like to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floor and vacuum the rug.’ This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support” (95**). This idea is probably more suitable for children who are older than my own stepdaughter, but I like it. I think if your stepchild feels like they can speak up and suggest a compromise, they’re less likely to imagine themselves as Cinderella before the ball.

10) Balance discipline with warmth, admiration, and respect. Now, kids know when adults are faking enthusiasm or handing out false compliments—so don’t go over the top. But make an effort to praise and thank your stepkids when a natural opportunity arises. Let them know that you value them as a person. Dr. Bernstein says that “praise penetrates even barriers of rough exteriors” (113**). We all want to be liked, and it’s easier to take guidance and correction from someone who we know likes us, too.




* Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MacKezie, Ed.D., Co. 2002, Three Rivers Press, New York.
** 10 days to a Less Defiant Child by Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, Co, 2006, Marlowe & Company, New York.
*** The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene, PhD, 2005, Harper, New York.

Creating Unconditional Love, at Least on Your Part

As I've said before, I think a lot of step-mothers can be happier by creating a parental relationship with their stepchildren as opposed to a "friend" or "aunt" relationship. (See previous posts for a more about what I mean). However, this role can still be challenging for a number of reasons, most significantly because you don’t have the benefit of the biologically-induced unconditional love that exists between your stepchildren and their birth parents. That missing bond can leave you with a host of hurts and frustrations.

What if they don’t love you?

Stepmothers may cook meals, change diapers, buy toys, and kiss boo-boos but not receive any of the love that her stepchild bestows on his biological parent—leaving the stepparent feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. Frustrating to be sure, especially because deep down a lot of us just want to be a big, happy easy-going family, even if we know intellectually it’s not going to happen overnight.

Step-parenting books say to wait patiently for your step-kids to warm to you, but there’s nothing more frustrating that sitting back and waiting for something you want so strongly.

What if you don’t love them?

To be quite blunt, a lack of unconditional love can make it hard for us to care for our stepchildren in spite of their faults and problems. While all kids have their tough times, on top of that many stepmothers have to deal with stepchildren whose parents have spoiled them out of guilt or competition with the other parent. Unconditional love allows a biological parent to ignore back talk and bad behavior, but we stepmothers don't have that panacea available.

At the same time that we might be frustrated with our step kids, a lot of us still feel guilty for not loving them. We love their father, after all, so we feel like we should love his kids along with him—a package deal. Plus we’re supposed to be family now—aren’t we supposed to love the people in our family? But how do we love these kids when they're just so different from us, and let's face it, so annoying at times?

Pretty much all step-parenting guides say you shouldn’t feel bad if you don’t love your step-kids. While I agree with this, it doesn’t mean that it’s not uncomfortable or stressful for a lot of women.

You can’t force your step-kids to love you, but I do think that you can make the situation easier and more bearable by training yourself to love your step-kids unconditionally—or at least making the effort. In my next several posts I’m going to talk about some of the unconventional methods that have been helpful for me.

Difficult Drop Offs

I mentioned in my previous post that we had a hard time picking up my stepdaughter from her mom’s house for a while. Well, not surprisingly, we also had some rough times when she was dropped off or picked up at our place.

Days where she was dropped off, SD’s mom would make her departure a long, drawn out performance, telling Stepdaughter that she'd miss her, making SD "come give me one more hug," and so on. As you can imagine, the whole process only served to whip up SD into an emotional frenzy. Then, after BM had finally left, I was the one who had to deal with her inevitable, screaming meltdown.

Then her mom started spending longer and longer at our house when it was her turn to pick up or drop off. Even if SD had her coat on and was ready to go, her mom would come in and sit down in the living room for a while.

It made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing when she was here. Much of the time my BF wouldn’t even look up from the computer when she came over, or he would say hello and then turn back to his video game. This left me wondering if I had to play hostess and make conversation while she was here. At the same time, though, SD’s mom seemed to mostly ignore me....but in an elephant-in-the-room kind of way. It was just awkward all around.

I remember one day when SD just wasn’t into her mom’s drop-off performance. She happily walked in and sat down next to some crayons I'd laid out on the coffee table. So what did her mom do? She came in, sat down on our couch, and proceeded to color with SD for almost half an hour.

It was like watching a train wreck in my living room.

I tried talking to my then-boyfriend about it afterwards, but he wasn't much help. His take on it was, "Well, what am I supposed to do? Tell her to get out?"

When that didn’t work I tried slyly opening the door just enough to let SD slip through with the premise that I didn't want to let the cat out (actually true). That didn't work, either--she just pushed her way past me.

Finally I decided that the smartest thing was to just remove myself from the situation. Rather than answering the door and collecting an armload of toys and blankets from BM I hid in the bathroom when I heard her knock on the door. BF was forced to get up and let them in. Then, since he would immediately get back on his computer, BM was left sitting alone with SD in the living room. After a while the drama faded away and her drop offs and pick ups started going smoothly for the most part.

Have any of you faced anything like this? How did you handle it?

Interesting Link

I'm starting to feel better after several weeks of being sick, but I'm still feeling so tired. I don't have the energy to write anything today but I wanted to hop on and mention that I've stumbled across a great blog by Sonja Ridden called StepmotherMatters. She has a great post on why it's not a good idea for stepchildren to "Run The Show." Definitely worth a look.

Stepmother Stress as a Deal-Breaker

The divorce rate for second marriages is staggeringly high—70% of second marriages end in divorce as compared to 50% of first marriages. While there are a lot of factors affecting this statistic, I believe that the stress of step-parenting can be enough to cause a second marriage to fail. I understand this on a personal level—I’ve had to make a friend of mine called “the deal-breaker decision” regarding my own stepdaughter.

It all started when she turned four and started potty training. Trying to get her to use the toilet was a nightmare. She would scream and kick and cry out like we were torturing her. She would even scream “HELP ME! HELP ME!” at the top of her lungs. I’m sure the people in the apartment next door thought she was being abused.

For months she would go in her clothes just to avoid using the bathroom. Changing her and getting her cleaned up usually fell to me. She almost always had a terrible rash, and she would scream and scream for me not to wipe her since the rash made it hurt. She’d argue and plead and finally beg, screaming “NO, PLEASE, NO, DON’T HURT ME! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!” over and over through her tears. I’d have to have to pin down her kicking, flailing little body just to get her clean enough to put on a fresh set of clothes. Afterwards she’d run out into the living room and I’d break down in tears in the bathroom. Then the whole thing would repeat an hour later.

Our time with her was miserable. Her anger and insolence spread from potty training into everything else. She argued over anything and everything; she talked back and broke things and threw tantrums. Endless, endless, shrieking tantrums. She became a huge, overwhelming source of anxiety in my life, and the worst part was that I felt helpless to do anything about it.

Meanwhile, the step-parenting advice I read either didn’t have anything to say about our situation (my step-daughter being so young) or just said that I shouldn’t be involved. I felt helpless for not being able to discipline her (that is, to get her to stop screaming) but also guilty for being included in her potty training at all.

Finally one morning I got into my car and burst into tears on my way to pick up coffee. I just don’t know if I can keep doing this, I thought. I pulled into a parking lot and called a friend. She told me, “No one would blame you if you decided that you couldn’t handle her.”

My heart ached at her words. Sitting there, I knew I couldn’t go that route—I loved my fiancé too much to leave him over anything, let alone a spoiled kid. Shaking and clutching the steering wheel I decided that things with my stepdaughter would have to change.

Looking back, I feel frustrated that I even reached the point where I had to make that decision. I wish that I had felt more empowered at the time to set limits, enforce rules, and enact time outs. Rather than worrying so much about what I was supposed to do to be a good stepmother, I wish that I had put my happiness first from the start.

I suppose everyone has to decide for themselves what their deal-breakers are. My hope is that the stepmother stress doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker for as many women in the future.

Telling Children about Remarriage

After living together for several years, my fiancé and I are getting married in fifteen days! Meanwhile, I finally have a fully-functional replacement laptop in my possession, and today I’ve been reading about the different ways that people prepare their children for their remarriage.

Back when my stepdaughter was four, my fiancé and I sat down with her on our big purple couch and told her that we were getting married.

She scrunched up her face. "No."

I looked over at FH and raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," He said.

"No."

"Yes!"

"No!"

FH frowned. "Why are you saying that?"

She sighed and looked at us like we were being ridiculous. "Because you guys already got married a long time ago."

Then it dawned on me—she can’t remember a time when FH and I weren’t living together. She just assumed that we were already married, maybe because she thought that all men and women living together are married.

We talked about it a little more at the time, and then a little more and a little more as the months passed. Mostly she’s just been excited about a new dress, a party, and her grandparents coming to visit.

While my stepdaughter has handled my marriage to her father with ease, I suspect that I’m in the minority. I’m interested in learning more about other people’s experiences. How have you all handled this situation?