Last time I mentioned that I wanted to talk some more about detachment. Detachment can be described as creating a sense of indifference towards your stepchildren’s behaviors and actions; it’s a way to put a halt to your emotional reactions to them and the whole step situation. I spent this week creating a personal detachment plan. Here are some suggestions for creating one of your own:
1) First, make a list of things your stepchildren (or their parents) do that drive you crazy and hurt your feelings.
2) Next, start by thinking about ways to avoid these hot button situations. Are there any activities you can get out of? For example, I’ve decided to remove myself from pick up and drop off situations from now on; they’re just too emotionally exhausting for me.
3) Give yourself permission to leave the room. I used to feel bad about this; I felt like it was childish, like I was running away from a problem. I’ve since come to realize that there’s no shame in removing yourself from certain situations—especially ones that you feel aren't worth arguing about or where you feel like you’ve become too emotional to effectively deal.
4) Acknowledge your feelings. After some introspection I realized that part of why I get frustrated is because I feel like I’m not supposed to let myself get upset in the first place. It’s time to let myself off the hook.
5) Figure out stock phrases you can have ready for when your hot button situations arise. Try to think of things that can either diffuse the emotion or help you escape the situation without any further tension. For example, I used to get really worked up when my stepdaughter would whine, “but my Mama lets me…” over and over again. Now I just say, “well, that’s okay at Mama’s house but here we don’t (whatever). We’re not going to argue about it anymore.” It’s important to practice phrases like these on your own or with a friend—it makes it easier to remember them in the midst of an emotional moment.
6) Find ways to control your emotional reactions from the situation.
• Repeat to yourself: “I can’t control the actions of others; I can only control my reactions to their actions.” This is something I'm really focusing on.
• Nip it in the bud: Try and catch yourself before your emotions run away with you. Having a list of you hot buttons helps with this.
• Absolve yourself of responsibility for their actions: You do not have to judge yourself based on your stepchildren’s or their parents’ behavior.
• Don’t respond to jibes or even unintended annoyances: There will be times that you need to speak up and make it clear that something your stepkids have said or done is not ok in your house. Other times, letting things go helps you avoid getting sucked into emotionaly draining situations.
• Deep breathing: Make yourself stop and take a series of deep breaths. It sounds a little corny but it really works. If you can meditate, even better.
• Exercise: Your body fills up with adrenaline when you’re frustrated—you need to get rid of it, even if it’s just by taking a brisk walk.
7) Put it all together by writing it down or talking about it with a friend. Discuss your plan with your partner and family if you feel comfortable doing so. Finally, give yourself permission to put your plan into action.
I have decided to completely disengage with my ss because I have tried for 4 years and he coldly said look are you going to be a good mom or a bad mom.. I inquired he said good mom means you let me do what ever I want no reprimanding and I don't have to answer for my actions, i.e. no consequences if he hurt anyone or even decides to walk out of the house and come back whenever or I keep giving him rules and consequesnses which is the bad mom, I said I'm a good mom by not letting you get away with bad actions whenever you feel like it which includes allowing him to walk into my room and take over my t.v. and powerplay the house with the other kids involved. He said then I will continue this until I'm 18 and move out. I'm at a loss because he is 13 he can leave and do everything and by law I have to let him back in the house and still raise him until 18. Any advice?
ReplyDeleteDad needs to step in. He is not your responsibility. If Dad cares about you and your happiness at all, he will step in and put his foot down. It is not up to you to defend your good actions. Demand respect, take nothing less. If Dad won't step in, there is a bigger issue at hand. I'm sorry, love.
DeleteHello great post....how do I disengage from cooking? What should I tell my husband? My problem is that my ss is 21 yo lives with us 24/7, doesn't work, hasn't finished highschool, plays video games the whole day or is on the phone. He gets junk food but he also likes when I cook. However he can't cook anything. I am tired of cooking for this ungrateful kid. He comes into my clean kitchen leaves all cabinet doors open, microwave open, leaves dishes and bowls in the sink. When I ask why he didn't put his stuff in the dishwasher his answer is either: I don't know or there was stuff in the sink already so I just left it there.
ReplyDeleteMy husband doesn't see how useless he is. He has that guilty father syndrome. It's ruining our marriage. How not to get super pissed, when you are exhausted and in pain and still has to clean when you come home? How not to flip out? When his bathroom is dirty and has poop all over the toilet seat, paper on the floor a mess. His room looks like the landfill with cans and paper plates everywhere. How do I disengage from that? When I just want to scream at him and his dad? He came to live with us 2 years ago, because he said he wanted his dad to make him a man. But omg...we gave him the chance to finish school online, which he didn't. My husband started disrespecting me in front of him. I don't know what to do.
Keep your heels dug in. You are doing way too much for your SS and your husband. Obviously SS needs to go! I deal with this stuff with my 16yo ss. Hes a jerk, but I stand my ground and tell him what is on my mind. Its a constant struggle for respect. I constantly go to him and tell him to put his stuff in the dishwasher, take his junk to his room and push back when he gives me disrespectful language. He will say, "give me the ketchup." I say, "please." And its not give me. My husband does interject and correct him, but it doesn't change. He needs to disengage because its more stressful in these moments and I can handle it. Since your ss doesn't work his job should be cooking dinner. If its not done husband eats a sandwich. I bet he will say something then! Or since his bedroom is nasty. No internet for the day. He will either clean up or move out. You gotta be ready to walk away too. Your mental health is more important than a 21 year old toddler and enabling dad.
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